Freefall … again

So I feel like I’m falling again.

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Right at this moment I have no way of knowing. All I know right now is I had a hard week after a busy weekend – which was expected – and then on Friday I got scared. The way I felt tipped over from Horrid Flare After A Long Day to Oh Shit What’s Happening To My Body.

It’s hard to describe the peculiar kind of panic that you feel when you realise you could be looking a relapse dead in the eye. I feel like a deer in the headlights.

Sometimes I have a silent scream that fills my head and threatens to come out of my mouth.

But sometimes – this time – I just freeze. Those bright lights are on me and part of me feels like I should be doing something but I can’t for the life of me think what.

I just freeze.

If I’m lucky those lights will just speed right on by, or maybe it’ll be a glancing blow. Or maybe I’m going to find myself in the gutter again, bloodied and broken and wondering if I’ll make it.

I’m trying not to panic. I’m trying not to figure out what this is or where it’s going or what it’ll mean when we get there.

Because I can’t. I can’t worry about or plan for what tomorrow will look like because I simply don’t know.

And even if I did know, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. The worrying and the planning and the dissecting of it all is just too exhausting and uses up precious energy I don’t have to waste. Believe me, I know – this is not my first time!

So, I’m going to try my best to do what I need to do today, which is rest, and then just wait.

Tomorrow will come and will bring what it brings, and I know I’ll need all I’ve got to be able to meet it and find the courage to do what needs to be done. But worrying about it won’t help and planning for it is just a stab in the dark, and today it is taking all my courage just to do today.

And this is courage: I am afraid and I am sick and I am weak. Today I am.

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