A Psalm of Lament

O God, I have heard so many stories of your faithfulness,

Stories of your presence in the darkness;

bringing light

bringing hope

bringing joy.

And yet the darkness wraps closer around my head,

thicker with each passing day … year … decade.

Moving forwards only seems to plunge me

deeper into the enveloping blackness.

 

Why, Lord? Why no rest for me?

No respite from my despair.

Am I so far from righteousness,

have I strayed so far that your light is no longer visible to me?

 

Your Word says that no one is too far from you;

No sinner can stray from your reach.

Father you promised that none of your little ones would be lost.

So where am I?

Jesus you came to us, into the depths of our sin and brokenness, to find us.

So where are you?

Spirit you are the very presence of God sent to comfort and protect us.

So why do I feel so alone?

 

I fail a thousand times a day;

to trust you

honour you

please you

obey you.

Is that why you have left me to rot?

Must I struggle about down here alone

because of my failings, my weakness, my sin?

 

What of your grace, Lord?

What of your forgiveness?

Am I not washed white as snow?

Am I not an heir with Christ?

Has he not bought me at a cost?

I am yours, so come to me;

take what is yours and care for it,

don’t toss aside your prize.

 

Is your attention and pleasure so easily lost.

Are you bored of me already?

Or have you tired of my constant need,

My constant disappointment to you?

 

You promised to never leave me or forsake me;

So come to me now.

You promised that I am yours and you are mine;

So love me now, and always.

You promised to make a new heart in me;

So make me clean and pure.

You promised that I would not despair,

And yet here I am despairing of myself and of you.

Answer my call, Lord.

Answer me and come to me.

 

All I want is you.

To not be left alone.

All I want is to feel as others have, your hand in the darkness;

holding me

upholding me

leading the way.

I just want to love you, Lord, the way I hear others speak of it;

wholeheartedly

passionately

tenderly

trustingly, like a child.

 

I want to delight in you,

to gaze on your beauty and grace.

I want to dance in your presence,

and sing your praises from a sincere heart.

I want to love you with the very life and breath of me,

so that everything I do is for your eyes and to make you smile.

 

I want to be the woman who loves much

because I have been forgiven much.

I want to be the child who runs to you for a blessing

because I know you will receive me.

I want to be the friend who knows they are loved

and who will follow you to the ends of the earth,

even to the grave,

because what is life without you,

and what is death if it brings me to you.

 

Help me, Lord.

Shine a light just long enough for me to see you beside me.

Hold my hand and my heart, Lord;

assure me of your presence

and never let go because how soon I forget.

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